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It seems as though many of the year-end posts I’ve seen on social media are glad to see 2012 go, but I can’t say I feel the same way. As much as it has held some dark moments for me, this year was the one which brought me my son and all of the amazing moments that come with him. I am a little sad to see it go, when it comes down to it. Still, time marches on, and now is the point in the year where we all tend to take stock of where we are.

I love being a mother more than anything in this world. I was made to do this, and I feel more whole and balanced in my life now than I ever have. I am amazed at where I am now, and I am so happy to be here. My goal in the new year is to stay focused on where my son is right now, of being present with him as much as I can, and treasuring his little moments as much as his big ones. I don’t think that one will be all that difficult, really. 2012 will always be the year that made me a mother, the year that made me James’s mama. Anything else is really just a side note, when you get down to it.

Of course, there’s the really big side note. For years, my driving (career) goal has been to become an OB/GYN. 2012 is the year that broke that dream into tiny little pieces. I keep looking down at all the little fragments and trying to figure out how to put them back together again, but it occurs to me that first I have to figure out what shape I want them in. It’s true that if I am still determined to deliver babies, I can (probably) make that happen for the summer of 2014, which then leads to the question of whether that’s actually what I want anymore. To be honest, I don’t know. There are so many emotions and complications around the whole issue now, among them that I am very, very burned out on fighting tooth and nail in my career. This year I will have to come to some resolution with all of this, or at least begin to make sense out of what I want to be when I grow up (again). For now, I am trying not to worry over it and instead giving God and the universe time to work on untangling and putting back together.

In the meantime, I have determined that this year I want to get my creativity back. My job has me working “normal-people” hours, albeit with an annoying commute thrown in for good measure, and I get TWO WHOLE DAYS off every single week. I hardly know what to do with myself. Our new(ish) house has a dedicated craft space, and this year one of my goals is to carve out time to journal, to write, to work on memory books (I am a huge fan of Project Life), to knit, and to quilt. I have so many I need to finish, and so many I want to start. I want this year to be the year I make time to make things again.

My other goals for 2013 are the typical ones: get fit, pass (and then improve on) my fitness test, run another half marathon and maybe tackle a full, continue to hammer down (and then improve on) our financial status. Win the lottery. You know, run of the mill New Year’s resolutions.

When I look at the overall picture of where I am right now, I’m really in pretty good shape. I’m happy, for all the foibles and pitfalls of the last year. I want to stay happy, and improve on it. At the same time, I feel that I am at a significant juncture in my life, stable but with many options about where I can go from here. It’s not a bad place to be, but I need to think hard about what the next step is. It seems as though I have the seeds of good things planted where I am right now, and this year is about nurturing them, letting them grow, and seeing what fruit comes of it.

Here’s to a fruitful 2013 for all of us.

I haven’t posted in a long time.

It’s not because I didn’t have things to write about. Oh boy, do I have things to write about.

It’s not because I didn’t have time, although that does play a huge role.

It’s because I didn’t post about something very big that happened in September, and posting about anything else before I posted about that thing seemed very strange. Except when I went to write about the thing that happened in September, it seemed awkward to have not written about it yet, so then I didn’t.

It occurred to me recently that if I was going to be able to use this blog again, ever, I was going to have to just write and be done with it. So here I am, writing.

This thing that happened in September, it happened right after my last post. It happened just about 30 weeks ago. It happened when a chemical reaction occurred on a small piece of paper and popped up with two little lines.

BWB and I are expecting our son to make his debut at the end of May.

I wish I had been able to make that post in September that I tried to write, to explain the rush of emotions. I wish that I had managed to get that one out so that I could have told you about my fear of losing the pregnancy, of knowing too much because of my medical degree, of going to the first and second (and third, and fourth…) ultrasounds having steeled myself for hearing that there was no heartbeat. I wish I had gotten my act together to write a first trimester “stuff I learned” back when I remembered all of the stuff I learned and before I forgot all of it. I really wish I had been coherent enough to express my utter shock when I found out that I was not, in fact, having the girl I just knew I was expecting.

Some of these things, I can try to write retrospectively, and I will. However, I think the important thing here is that I made this post and I can start writing again without quite so much consternation. We’re three quarters of the way through the pregnancy, but barely just beginning the journey.

Of course, he likes to chime in when I’m at the computer, kicking me to convey his opinion of what I’m working on. My tiny editor will probably enforce brevity to some extent, but then I’m pretty sure that’s what a good editor does. He’s so clever. Already.

I’m so smitten. Already.

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