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When the baby was first born, my parents came and immediately exclaimed about the cleft in his chin. Just like his grandfather (my dad), and his great-grandfather! Our family chin! Finally, after several rounds of excited discussion of the remarkable chin, my husband (who had been very patient) pointed out in a slightly injured tone, “I have a cleft chin.” OH. Of course! A cleft chin just like his father! Ahem. Cough.

It’s funny though, one of the first things that happens when people meet or hear about a baby is often to inquire who he looks like. It usually comes right after, “Is he a good baby?”, one of my all-time least favorite baby questions, and somewhere before a question designed to determine his developmental status, ie if he is rolling over yet, or if we have introduced solids. (No, and no.) I’ve spent a lot of time recently thinking about why it is so important to determine if he looks like one parent or another, especially to uninvolved parties. I can completely understand why my mother sees so much of me in him, and why BWB’s mother swears she has a picture of him at three months which is indistinguishable from our son’s, but why does it really matter to someone I just met? My theories range from it being just one of the standard conversational topics about a new baby to something more along the lines of ensuring the baby’s status as a member of the tribe. One way or another, it is one of those things which almost always comes up.

I wonder too sometimes if we read into it, as if his face is an array of tarot cards or tea leaves. Hmmm, he looks like his mother, clearly he will have a penchant for salty things and enjoy knitting. Aaah, he has his father’s chin, obviously he will put entirely too much sugar in his tea and excel in the martial arts at a young age. Of course it doesn’t work that way, but maybe that is what we are trying to see when we study our babies’ faces?

So, after all that, who does our baby look like? Sometimes I look at him and I see his daddy’s cheeks, or an expression that is totally BWB. I tell him, Baby, you have your BWB face on this morning! Other times, he screws up his little nose and I have to laugh, since I know how that expression feels from the inside of it. I think he has his father’s nose, and frankly the cleft chin could have come from either of us but we’ll call it BWB’s for the sake of paternal pride. Most people seem to think that overall he looks more like me, at least so far. My mother-in-law is, of course, a notable exception. I have not yet seen this photographic evidence that she says she has, but my husband insists our son looks nothing like he did as an infant. Among other things, BWB says he was an ugly baby. (No, I don’t believe him, either.) We do have a couple photos of the baby where he looks a great deal like the photos of me at his age. (Well, actually slightly older than his age, since I was a tiny baby and he is not. But you get the idea.) He has such an expressive little face that he can look quite different from one moment to the next — my mother calls him the little face-dancer because of it.

Sometimes I look into his eyes and it is disconcerting, because it is like looking into a mirror. I would say if nothing else, he definitely has my eyes. How very strange, to see so much of myself in someone else’s face. It takes my breath away.

In the end, though, I think the answer as to the question of who he looks like is pretty simple: He looks like himself. That’s all he ever needs to be.

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Two weeks ago I left my training hospital for the last time. I had one month to make up after my maternity leave, which I completed, and then I turned in my pager and my badges and checked in with medical records about unsigned notes, and then I left the building.

It is surreal to think I won’t be a resident there anymore. It’s more surreal to think I won’t be a resident at all anymore, at least not for a few years. I’m waiting for my application for a medical license to finish wending its way through the maze of bureaucratic red tape it has to go through and then I will be a licensed physician. When I practice, I will be on my own, making my own decisions without someone supervising me. That is, quite frankly, terrifying.

Don’t get me wrong — my program has trained me very well and when push comes to shove I am confident in my ability to know how to help people and/or know when I need to ask for help in order to help people, it’s just that moment of realizing that even if you don’t need them, the training wheels are completely gone. Even though I don’t think I’m going to crash and burn, the possibility exists. That is scary. I suppose I could make the argument that it should be scary, and that if I were to be cavalier about the part where I have someone’s trust and health in my hands I might want to re-think my profession.

When I think back to where I was in July of last year, I can hardly believe how much has changed. Set aside my personal life (having a baby is completely cheating when it comes to major life differences over one year), and I still hardly recognize the intern who cried every day on the way to work for most of the first month. At my exit interview, my program director told me he had been very concerned that I was so shy that I would wilt and fade, those first few weeks. I didn’t. I bloomed. I am not generally a poster child for self-esteem but I really am proud of my work this year, and my evaluations over the course of the year back me up. I learned so much about being a good doctor, and a good resident, and also I learned some medicine while I was at it. I still have a lot to learn, heaps and piles of it, but when I look back over this year I will always be able to say that I did very well. I am grateful for that.

Sufficient unto the day, as they say, so I am trying not to worry too much about all of the challenges which are going to crop up over the next few years. It’s hard to do, since I am a worrier, but I have to try and focus on one step at a time. Next, I will worry about what to wear and where to go on my first day at my new job. Then I will worry about what comes after that. What a blessing it is to have this year to think back on and realize I have already made it through some rough waters, and come out better for it. As one of my favorite Pinterest pins says, I can do hard things. It’s been a very long year in very many ways, and it’s over now. Time to move on.

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